My last post was cathartic and in no way got out everything I have to say about my daughter's dad or that situation but it was a start. I refuse to dedicate too much energy on that man or that situation until or unless I have to so I would like to write about something positive today.
I am not very good at being really honest and open with my feelings even with the people closest to me. I blame it on being a Capricorn. But I am in my 30's and it's one of those things that I am really trying to work on and because I know of exactly one person who reads my blog and I actually do tell her pretty much everything so I figure I'm good.
Anyway, I do have a point and that is that after writing about my baby's daddy I am now inspired to write about my current boyfriend. Our life together cannot be called sane but it is a totally different type of crazy. It is a good crazy, and he is not crazy. There is no power struggle between us because we are partners, and that is all I have ever wanted. To be fair I did not always know what I wanted, but I do now, and he is it.
I met the boyfriend online. I was almost divorced. Almost because in Indiana you cannot get divorced when you are pregnant and my husband and I had split up when I was two months pregnant and although when I met the boyfriend my son was 4 months old we had not filed the final paperwork. My husband and I had been split up for 10 months and I had been home with baby for four months and I was lonely and thinking there was no way in hell I was ever going to meet anyone. Ever. So for fun I signed up for an online dating site and I figured I would be too scared to actually meet anyone in person but at least I could talk to some people.
I quickly found out that if you are semi-attractive, even if you are overweight, technically married, have 2 kids, one being an infant, are unemployed and live in your parents' basement you will still get lots of attention online. Mostly from weirdos and old men but once in awhile there will be the occasional guy that will seem decent. That will make you suspicious as hell. Especially if they don't have kids. I mean the whole reason I was online was because I didn't see any way I was going to get out of the house to meet anyone. I had been on this dating site about 3 weeks and I was about to give up when I met the boyfriend.
I usually didn't chat with men without exchanging a few messages first because they tended to get sexual immediately and I was so not looking for that, but for some reason when the boyfriend chatted with me I was like what the hell and hit accept. By the end of that first conversation I gave him my phone number and later that day he called me. That night we chatted for hours and by the end of the night he asked me out. That was a Saturday. We met for the first time the following Wednesday. There have been only a handful of days since then that we have not seen each other and not one that we have not talked.
The boyfriend himself is not crazy, but he brought some crazy with him. He has 3 kids, with 2 different moms. The kids are not a problem, and neither are the moms. Except when they are. Like when one of them decides they want him back, or one of them has no place to live and needs to move in with him because he has the room and is not the kind of man who is going to leave his kid and kids' mom homeless. Then when she is living with him she constantly tells me things to make me think he is cheating on me while at the same time telling me that she used to lie to the other baby mama. Yeah, that happened. One time she told me about the boyfriend having a woman to the house and she described what he had on and she said she hadn't seen the woman, and yeah, it was me. Or when one of them tells me completely inappropriate things about her relationship with him which was like 9 fucking years ago and totally none of my business.
The thing is the boyfriend and I decided in the beginning that we are in our 30's, have both been through marriages and have kids so we have pasts so there is no reason to lie about it. So we talk about these things. I told him the things that were told to me and he told me what was true and what was bullshit and the living arrangement soon changed. I know enough to take into consideration that this is an ex that is telling me stuff and she is telling me stuff from 9 years ago.
Baby mama drama is the worst the boyfriend and I have had to deal with so far. We talk to each other, we make decisions together, we make our relationship a priority which is so not easy. Trying to run a household with 4 kids, sometimes 5 is overwhelming. I am always happy to see him walk in the door when he gets home. We have the same sense of humor and I never really knew how important that was until I found him. We want the same things in life and we took the time to find that out before we committed to each other, which happened very fast but we've managed to figure it all out and we're happy.
I can only hope that we continue on the path we have started and that we can stay happy. I try to be as good to the boyfriend as he is to me. So much of our lives are consumed with the kids and work and school that it is not easy to remember that we are the reason this family is a family. Without the two of us this whole thing wouldn't be happening. But this is our beginning, and I used to hate telling people that we met online but now I don't even care because all that matters is that we met because I can't even imagine if we hadn't.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Shit Gets Real
Well I should have seen this coming. First I name the blog after something that directly relates to him. Then I explain how after I decide to eliminate the crazy I meet a man who brings on the crazy. Then on my facebook page the other day I was sharing how excited I am to be going to see Fiona Apple in concert this summer and I mention how when I was pregnant with my daughter he bought me her third album the day it came out. Maybe he's like Beetlejuice; I mention him three times and he appears.
Her dad. My baby daddy. My ex. We had a short, intense, and yes crazy time together. Within a month of meeting him we moved across the country, were engaged, and I was pregnant. I was 25, in love, and oblivious to the fact that this man was a walking warning sign of an abuser. Even in his facebook message last night I can see how he is so able to manipulate people. I can still see how he was able to get me. I am proud that he can no longer do so. He thinks that he still can. I am scared to death of what he will do to my girl.
I should explain. Last night I got a facebook message from my daughter's dad. It was a nice message because he wants something from me. He wants my daughter. I have had almost no contact with him in six years. The Christmas of 2010 a package showed up on my parents' doorstep for my daughter with a note from him saying that he would like me to call him if and when I was ready. I did not respond and she did not get the snowsuit he left for her. I can provide appropriate winter gear for my daughter, thank you very much. I'm sure the child in need who received it through charity appreciated it very much though. About a month after that my daughter got an invitation to his son's birthday party. Needless to say she did not attend. Wouldn't that have been a happy family meeting? That was the last I had heard from him until last night.
In his message he tells me he has been sober for 17 months. That's great, but I happen to know, through public record that his sobriety is court ordered, which he did not mention. It's probably easier to not drink when you are on medication that makes you incredibly ill when you consume alcohol. Either way, if he is going to be around my daughter I would prefer he be sober.
He requests a meeting with me and my daughter in a public place so as to make her comfortable. Which would be ideal. Except he is really just trying to get around the court system. The reason he has not seen her is because he didn't show up at court when we were ordered to go in the first place. I never filed against him, the State did. I didn't want to go, but I showed up. He never did. Three times he didn't show up, so the court deferred his parenting time.
The way I see it is if he wants to see my daughter he needs to file the paper work, take me to court and let them decide how to handle it. I will abide by what they say. If he is a changed man and actually does take me to court, show up and follow through with what they order I will believe that he is serious about wanting to be a part of her life. Am I wrong to think he should have to show a little more effort than a facebook message to see her after six years?
I am not going to pretend that the thought of having him in our lives doesn't scare the shit out of me. I have many wonderful people in my life that help me raise my daughter. I have my ex-husband who is the only father she knows and he loves her like she is his and she loves him like he is her dad and we are all good with that situation and I do not want that to change. He has earned the right to be there for her and in my effort to do what is best for her I will preserve that relationship.
Then there is me. I am not the 25 year old lost young woman I was when I met that man. I am a self-assured, educated woman who has spent the last 6 years dedicating my life to being the best mother I can be and bettering my life so that I can be an example to my daughter and eventually my son. I am in a relationship I am happy in and for the first time in my life I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
So what is it about this man that shakes me to my core? I'll tell you one thing, whatever it is, my daughter will never see it. And he was right about one thing in his message, I have done a good job raising our daughter. I have done it with the help of many people and he has not been one of them. If he would like to join the village he will be welcome, after court.
Her dad. My baby daddy. My ex. We had a short, intense, and yes crazy time together. Within a month of meeting him we moved across the country, were engaged, and I was pregnant. I was 25, in love, and oblivious to the fact that this man was a walking warning sign of an abuser. Even in his facebook message last night I can see how he is so able to manipulate people. I can still see how he was able to get me. I am proud that he can no longer do so. He thinks that he still can. I am scared to death of what he will do to my girl.
I should explain. Last night I got a facebook message from my daughter's dad. It was a nice message because he wants something from me. He wants my daughter. I have had almost no contact with him in six years. The Christmas of 2010 a package showed up on my parents' doorstep for my daughter with a note from him saying that he would like me to call him if and when I was ready. I did not respond and she did not get the snowsuit he left for her. I can provide appropriate winter gear for my daughter, thank you very much. I'm sure the child in need who received it through charity appreciated it very much though. About a month after that my daughter got an invitation to his son's birthday party. Needless to say she did not attend. Wouldn't that have been a happy family meeting? That was the last I had heard from him until last night.
In his message he tells me he has been sober for 17 months. That's great, but I happen to know, through public record that his sobriety is court ordered, which he did not mention. It's probably easier to not drink when you are on medication that makes you incredibly ill when you consume alcohol. Either way, if he is going to be around my daughter I would prefer he be sober.
He requests a meeting with me and my daughter in a public place so as to make her comfortable. Which would be ideal. Except he is really just trying to get around the court system. The reason he has not seen her is because he didn't show up at court when we were ordered to go in the first place. I never filed against him, the State did. I didn't want to go, but I showed up. He never did. Three times he didn't show up, so the court deferred his parenting time.
The way I see it is if he wants to see my daughter he needs to file the paper work, take me to court and let them decide how to handle it. I will abide by what they say. If he is a changed man and actually does take me to court, show up and follow through with what they order I will believe that he is serious about wanting to be a part of her life. Am I wrong to think he should have to show a little more effort than a facebook message to see her after six years?
I am not going to pretend that the thought of having him in our lives doesn't scare the shit out of me. I have many wonderful people in my life that help me raise my daughter. I have my ex-husband who is the only father she knows and he loves her like she is his and she loves him like he is her dad and we are all good with that situation and I do not want that to change. He has earned the right to be there for her and in my effort to do what is best for her I will preserve that relationship.
Then there is me. I am not the 25 year old lost young woman I was when I met that man. I am a self-assured, educated woman who has spent the last 6 years dedicating my life to being the best mother I can be and bettering my life so that I can be an example to my daughter and eventually my son. I am in a relationship I am happy in and for the first time in my life I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
So what is it about this man that shakes me to my core? I'll tell you one thing, whatever it is, my daughter will never see it. And he was right about one thing in his message, I have done a good job raising our daughter. I have done it with the help of many people and he has not been one of them. If he would like to join the village he will be welcome, after court.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
So Not Feeling It
So apparently a goal of writing every day was a little ambitious. So scratch that. I am a busy lady, and sometimes I am a lazy lady so I will do the best I can and that will have to be good enough.
Yesterday I told the boyfriend I was taking a personal day and not doing anything around the house. Unfortunately that carried over into today and this plan of a personal day which turned into two days of ignoring housework means I have triple the work to do tomorrow. I am not looking forward to tomorrow.
So because I finished the Hunger Games trilogy and I am waiting for my next two books to arrive in the mail on Monday I have done nothing but catch up on the newest season of Weeds added to Netflix, start Downton Abbey (which is fantastic), mediate fights between the kids because they are grounded from TV, and play with the baby I don't have much to write about. That could also be because I'm pissy and don't really feel like it. I've been brainstorming topics that I want to write about so hopefully I will get the courage to actually write about those things and then maybe I will tell some people about this blog and I won't just be talking to myself. But until then I will ramble about anything or nothing as it strikes me.
Yesterday I told the boyfriend I was taking a personal day and not doing anything around the house. Unfortunately that carried over into today and this plan of a personal day which turned into two days of ignoring housework means I have triple the work to do tomorrow. I am not looking forward to tomorrow.
So because I finished the Hunger Games trilogy and I am waiting for my next two books to arrive in the mail on Monday I have done nothing but catch up on the newest season of Weeds added to Netflix, start Downton Abbey (which is fantastic), mediate fights between the kids because they are grounded from TV, and play with the baby I don't have much to write about. That could also be because I'm pissy and don't really feel like it. I've been brainstorming topics that I want to write about so hopefully I will get the courage to actually write about those things and then maybe I will tell some people about this blog and I won't just be talking to myself. But until then I will ramble about anything or nothing as it strikes me.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Fail
Well I guess I fail. I only made it two days in my quest to write every day. I totally intended to post last night and then the girls got into what should have been a minor dispute that turned into an epic fight that ended up involving both the boyfriend and I intervening. Over a bean bag chair. There was screaming and crying and yelling and all possessions taken from each others rooms and declarations of never being able to touch each others things and so on. The thing is the girls get along 95% of the time, but the 5% of the time they don't it is horrible.
Now part of my problem is that I have only raised one of these girls so my expectations of her are different than my expectations of of the other because I have only been in her life for almost a year and I have only been living with her for about 4 months. I am trying to figure out how to have compassion for all these kids who are going through divorces, whose parents all have new partners, and who are adjusting to new living situations. I may have over compensated with compassion and slacked on discipline though and now I have to attempt to correct the problem without over-correcting. This is going to be tricky. . .
Just to be clear, I do not parent these kids alone. My boyfriend and I are truly partners. After an awful trip to the grocery store with the kids today I sent them all to their rooms because I didn't know what else to do. Luckily he got home from work right then and I explained how ridiculously misbehaved they were and he stepped in and handled them the rest of the night. He always backs me up and discuss how to parent the kids even though I am the one who is with them most of the time. We make every effort to show the kids that we work together, make decisions together and cannot be played. But at this time I stay home so I am the primary caretaker so the actual discipline falls to me.
As of now I have taken my anxiety pill, the kids are all grounded from TV for at least today and after school tomorrow until the boyfriend gets home, and there is relative peace in the household. It was not one of our better days, but tomorrow the kids will probably have forgotten how angry I was and I will see my baby's smiling face in the morning and the big kids will tell me they need coffee too when they see me get mine and I will have hope that it will be a better day.
Now part of my problem is that I have only raised one of these girls so my expectations of her are different than my expectations of of the other because I have only been in her life for almost a year and I have only been living with her for about 4 months. I am trying to figure out how to have compassion for all these kids who are going through divorces, whose parents all have new partners, and who are adjusting to new living situations. I may have over compensated with compassion and slacked on discipline though and now I have to attempt to correct the problem without over-correcting. This is going to be tricky. . .
Just to be clear, I do not parent these kids alone. My boyfriend and I are truly partners. After an awful trip to the grocery store with the kids today I sent them all to their rooms because I didn't know what else to do. Luckily he got home from work right then and I explained how ridiculously misbehaved they were and he stepped in and handled them the rest of the night. He always backs me up and discuss how to parent the kids even though I am the one who is with them most of the time. We make every effort to show the kids that we work together, make decisions together and cannot be played. But at this time I stay home so I am the primary caretaker so the actual discipline falls to me.
As of now I have taken my anxiety pill, the kids are all grounded from TV for at least today and after school tomorrow until the boyfriend gets home, and there is relative peace in the household. It was not one of our better days, but tomorrow the kids will probably have forgotten how angry I was and I will see my baby's smiling face in the morning and the big kids will tell me they need coffee too when they see me get mine and I will have hope that it will be a better day.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Eliminating the Crazy:A Brief Explination
This morning as I was fighting with my daughter about how she cannot wear the same Hello Kitty dress two days in a row, telling the other girl she cannot wear shorts when it is only supposed to reach 60 degrees today, and deciding it is totally acceptable for the boys to wear their pajamas to just drop the girls off at school I was thinking about what I was going to write about in today's post. I do not want to only write about the kids, or housework, or organizing, because damn it I am more than just a mom. On the other hand I am not exactly sure what I want to write about, I just want to write. Maybe one day I will want to write about an awesome find from the Goodwill and the next day I will want to write about how I actually made something I found on Pinterest. There will of course be days where I do brag or bitch about the kids. I may be more than a mom, but I am a mom. Then it hit me, for my first real post I should explain what Eliminate the Crazy means.
When I was 25 I had been making a string of bad decisions regarding men, jobs, education, pretty much you name it and I was making the wrong decision. I was trying to grow up but it was not easy and I was lost. Then I hit a point where I wanted to change my life and I had a conversation with my mom and I told her I needed to eliminate the crazy. I needed to not date anyone, I needed to get rid of most of my friends and move home, get enrolled in school, basically get my shit together. My mom loved that phrase. Eliminate the crazy seemed to be my new mantra. I did move home, I did ditch some bad influences, and I did not date anyone for awhile. I thought I had succeeded. Soon I would meet a man that would bring on crazy like I had never experienced. He would also father my daughter and she is the reason I grew up and the reason the crazy I have in my life now is the good kind.
Eliminating the crazy is a process and it is cyclical. Sometimes I feel like I am about to pull my hair out but at this point I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. There are still times where I have to purge crazy people from my life, but had I never met the bad kind of crazy people I suppose I would not be able to identify and eliminate them from my life.
When I was 25 I had been making a string of bad decisions regarding men, jobs, education, pretty much you name it and I was making the wrong decision. I was trying to grow up but it was not easy and I was lost. Then I hit a point where I wanted to change my life and I had a conversation with my mom and I told her I needed to eliminate the crazy. I needed to not date anyone, I needed to get rid of most of my friends and move home, get enrolled in school, basically get my shit together. My mom loved that phrase. Eliminate the crazy seemed to be my new mantra. I did move home, I did ditch some bad influences, and I did not date anyone for awhile. I thought I had succeeded. Soon I would meet a man that would bring on crazy like I had never experienced. He would also father my daughter and she is the reason I grew up and the reason the crazy I have in my life now is the good kind.
Eliminating the crazy is a process and it is cyclical. Sometimes I feel like I am about to pull my hair out but at this point I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. There are still times where I have to purge crazy people from my life, but had I never met the bad kind of crazy people I suppose I would not be able to identify and eliminate them from my life.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Allow Myself To Introduce Myself
I've never blogged before so I am in virgin territory here so I am just going to start off by introducing myself. Probably anyone who is going to be reading this already knows me but on the off chance that some stranger stumbles here I guess I will fill you in.
I am Stacy, I am 32, I am divorced and my ex and I have the best relationship you can hope for between exes because we are mature enough to realize we are going to spend the rest of our lives raising kids together. I have 2 kids named I will probably write about them a lot because I am one of those moms who adore their kids. I live with my boyfriend and his 2 kids. The boyfriend also has a son who lives with us every other weekend so I will write about all of them. I will be writing about all of them because they are not just a part of my life, they are my life and I love them all. Trying to make several families into one family is not easy and I need to vent about it and I guess that is part of what I am trying to do here. I'm sure there will be tons about the kids later so a little more about me.
I love books. If I could find a way to make money reading books and drinking coffee that would be ideal. I like to write so I figure maybe blogging will get me in the habit of writing on a regular basis. We shall see.
I graduated college in December 2010 with a degree in political science and a minor in literature. I should have majored in lit. I have no interest in politics, but I really liked my political science professor and he was actually a political philosophy guy. I have no interest in law school so I have a degree that doesn't really make me qualify me to do much. Eventually I would like to continue going to school and teach literature on the college level. You know, read books and teach about them.
In addition to books and my kids I love coffee, thrift store shopping, scrabble (but I settle for words with friends), my friends, celebrity gossip, pinterest, The Office, Friends, and chick rock and 'that's what she said' jokes. I have a Jewish dad, am not a member of an organized religion but I am a spiritual person. I am a patriotic democrat. I do not like to discuss religion or politics but I'm not saying they will never come up so fair warning.
Well that's a start. Hopefully I have something to write about next time so I am not just rambling.
I am Stacy, I am 32, I am divorced and my ex and I have the best relationship you can hope for between exes because we are mature enough to realize we are going to spend the rest of our lives raising kids together. I have 2 kids named I will probably write about them a lot because I am one of those moms who adore their kids. I live with my boyfriend and his 2 kids. The boyfriend also has a son who lives with us every other weekend so I will write about all of them. I will be writing about all of them because they are not just a part of my life, they are my life and I love them all. Trying to make several families into one family is not easy and I need to vent about it and I guess that is part of what I am trying to do here. I'm sure there will be tons about the kids later so a little more about me.
I love books. If I could find a way to make money reading books and drinking coffee that would be ideal. I like to write so I figure maybe blogging will get me in the habit of writing on a regular basis. We shall see.
I graduated college in December 2010 with a degree in political science and a minor in literature. I should have majored in lit. I have no interest in politics, but I really liked my political science professor and he was actually a political philosophy guy. I have no interest in law school so I have a degree that doesn't really make me qualify me to do much. Eventually I would like to continue going to school and teach literature on the college level. You know, read books and teach about them.
In addition to books and my kids I love coffee, thrift store shopping, scrabble (but I settle for words with friends), my friends, celebrity gossip, pinterest, The Office, Friends, and chick rock and 'that's what she said' jokes. I have a Jewish dad, am not a member of an organized religion but I am a spiritual person. I am a patriotic democrat. I do not like to discuss religion or politics but I'm not saying they will never come up so fair warning.
Well that's a start. Hopefully I have something to write about next time so I am not just rambling.
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