Monday, May 14, 2012

Something to Ponder

Sometimes the universe does some crazy shit to my life and I can't figure out if that means that I'm doing things right or if it's just fucking with me. Like deja vu gives me a feeling like I am in the exact right place at the exact right time. I read that somewhere, Sylvia Browne maybe in my days of spirituality 101, but anyway it rings true. Like how my daughter's dad came back into my life after so long through that facebook message and then shortly after that I heard from a long lost friend via facebook. Now this is not some friend, she was the best friend I have ever had but our friendship ended years ago for what seem like stupid reasons. I reached out to her once, right after I got married but she shot me down and I figured that meant the reasons must not have been stupid and I tried to let it go. I have missed her terribly. I have missed her most at the really important milestones in my life like the birth of my son, my graduations, my divorce, and I have always wondered what has been going on with her. But now even though we are facebook friends I have no idea how to talk to her. But I wonder if there is a connection between my daughter's dad coming into my life and then her. Like his return necessitates hers. Like the universe knows I am going to need her to deal with what is to come. Maybe I am making too much of this. Maybe we will just keep each other at a distance and look at each others' pictures and whatnot and that will be that because I do have friends, good friends, but I don't have her. And there is something fishy about the timing. Just makes me think.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Delayed Reality

This week several people I know have graduated from college. Considering I am 32 years old and some of these people are younger than I am and some are older I got to thinking about my own degree and how I have not yet used it and how I am not sure how or when I will.
When I graduated I was pregnant with my son and getting divorced. I feel that getting my degree is one of the things I am most proud of in my life. It was not easy and I could not have done it on my own. I have a very supportive family. Emotionally, financially, with child care, everything you could think of they were there to help me achieve my goal of graduating. The 3.8 cumulative GPA was all me.
The problem is I got my degree in political science, I minored in literature and I have a family to support. I would love to go to grad school but at this point that means more debt and really no more job prospects. I just love school. I love reading and learning. I could deal with an office job, I could probably even like it, but I love my kids and I do not want someone else to raise them. What is a mom to do?
The plan right now is to stay home through the summer with the boyfriend working and then in the fall when the kids go to school I will find a job and only the baby will have to be in some sort of daycare. My girl never had to go to daycare because I was in school and my mom and my now ex-husband were able to watch her when I was in class. But this is my life now and I cannot put off working for four years and stay home with Joey until he is in school. And that breaks my heart every time I think about it. When I think about someone else spending their days with his smiling face it makes me want to cry. I know this is a dilemma every mother faces when she has to return to work, but that does not make it any easier for me. I should be grateful for the year and a half I will have had at home with him.
Sometimes I think about how my life would have been if I had done college the "right" way. If I had just gone and finished right out of high school. But that is a waste of time. My life is the way it is because this is how it is supposed to be. I never would have gone back to school if I hadn't had my daughter. She was my inspiration to do better in my life and I have. Now the baby just adds to that inspiration and he has made me raise my standards even higher. I am constantly trying to become a better person for them. My college degree is one of my proudest accomplishments, but it is a distant third to being the mother of those two.
I am not the other two's mom but they live with us and I do take them into consideration when I think about my life and I also want to set an example for them and I want them to know that I am here for them too. The lines are blurred but the need for stability is there for all the kids, not just mine. I guess for now I will just enjoy the little time I have left home with the kids and then I will suck it up and join the real world, like every one else.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Kittens. They're No Pug.

Last weekend we adopted 2 sister kittens named Tiger and Lilly. They are really cute and sweet and perfect for our family. Fixed, no claws, litter box trained, almost a year old, and they are already named which is a bonus considering the kids would have gone rounds about who got to name them had they not been.
I was the one who really wanted kittens. I wanted the kittens because I really miss my pug, Cleo but I absolutely do not want a dog because the last thing I need right now is another thing that needs my constant attention. I if I was to ever get another dog I can only see myself getting a pug and the thought of another dog literally makes my heart ache.
Cleo was my companion through the toughest time in my life. She was given to me by an acquaintance because one night when we had had too many beers I started talking about how cute I thought pugs were and how badly I wanted one and she said she had one who was pregnant but I could have her once she had her puppies. In my intoxicated state I agreed. I was not thinking about the fact that I worked all the time, lived in an apartment by myself and had no money.
When I got Cleo she had just had puppies, she was full of fleas and worms. She was as broken as I was. I got her into the vet the next day because she was easy to fix. After that she was so grateful to be taken care of she was my buddy. She slept with me, and we usually slept on the couch because she couldn't jump on my bed. I found her snorting hilarious when other people found it annoying, and I loved the way she slept with her tongue sticking out of her mouth.
Sometimes the fact that Cleo had to go outside was the only reason I went outside at all. When I had her I got fired from a job I thought I loved and I thought I was going to stay at for a long time. It was the only time I was ever on unemployment so I didn't really have much to do, so I didn't do much of anything. I stayed home and was depressed. Cleo made me get off the couch.
When I met my daughter's dad and he asked me to move to Oregon with him I told him I would go if my dog could come with us. So she did. I took my dog across the country with me. She lost half her body weight when we were in Oregon. She went to the beach with us and ran in the surf and she went hiking in the mountains. She was well traveled. Things changed when we came back to Indiana because I was pregnant with my daughter. I still loved Cleo but she wasn't the reason I got off the couch anymore.
When Cleo got to the point where she couldn't see or hear anymore and she was in pain, and it was time to put her down it wasn't a surprise but it still hurt more than I expected. I still mourn her every time I see a pug. So when I decided it was time for us to get a pet I knew it could not be a dog. I have been missing Cleo more than usual lately. I think about her a lot and I wish she could see me happy because she was with me through so much sadness. 
 The kittens are the right choice for our family now. They are still getting used to the chaos that is our family and so for now they hide in my room most of the day and come out at night, but they are getting more comfortable. Hopefully these kittens will be the family pets these kids remember growing up with until they move out and get their own first pets.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

What the Hell Am I Doing?

I haven't posted in awhile but that does not mean nothing has been going on with me, or that I have nothing to say, because I always have something to say, and something is always going on with me. I have been trying to figure out what I am trying to do and/or say with this blog.
So I have been trying to decide what I like about other blogs before I actively attempt to get people to read mine.  It has occurred to me that I probably should have figured this out before I started blogging, but oh well, better late than never. So here goes.
I like when people write like they talk. I like humor and honesty. I like visual aids. When telling a story a picture can really make it so much better. I think it is a good idea to cover a wide variety of reoccurring topics. Spelling and grammar are important but I am by no means perfect. I will do my best, and I am hoping by writing on a regular basis I will get better.
I guess I don't really have it in me to get into much else tonight because I have been having it out with Liam all day and I am ready to just relax until morning when it's time to get up and do it all again.