Friday, April 12, 2013

Baby Daddy

I am a grad student studying mental health counseling. This is no way makes me an expert in anything but it does mean that I am not throwing around the term anti-social personality. I am not diagnosing anyone, but I do have the opinion of a counselor who has met with my ex whose opinion is that he suffers from this personality disorder. When I brought up my concerns that he he had a personality disorder we discussed the possibilities of borderline, and narcissistic but as more and more has happened it is leaning towards anti-social.
My ex thinks rules do not apply to him and he shows no empathy. He is manipulative, and charming, suffers from substance abuse, and thinks he is always the smartest guy in the room. For the duration of our brief relationship he made me feel like we had an extraordinary love. The truth was I was lonely and inexperienced in relationships and wanted to believe him.
My relationship with him is no longer relevant. My concern now is how to protect my daughter from this man that I chose to be her father. I was blessed with an incredibly intelligent child who asks many questions. I do not have the answers.
I have made several mistakes in my quest to look out for my daughter's best interest. Last year when her father took me to court to seek parenting time I was furious as he had not seen her for practically her whole life. Then I calmed down and decided to make the best of it. I insisted that we go through a counselor and in court he agreed that I would have sole discretion over his parenting time. After awhile of he and my daughter both pressuring me I gave in before the counselor ok'ed it and let them meet. For months I was present and we would meet in parks where they would play. Then I let her go to his house. During this time he was meeting with the counselor. At some point she said she wanted him to get a psychological evaluation where the psychologist had a copy of his criminal history. He kept telling me that he was scheduling this, or the doctor was canceling, or he was getting money together, there was always an excuse but he was getting it done. I had no concerns at first. He and my daughter adored each other and she was in counseling so I assumed if anything was wrong I would know.
Again, under pressure, after awhile I let her stay the night at his house. It was after a second sleepover and her counseling appointment following it that the counselor told me that she advised that I stop letting my girl see her father unsupervised. I freaked out. There were issues about boundaries, although I was assured that she was not being abused, thank God, and so I told my daughter and her dad that I had made a mistake and that I was going to comply with the counselor and there would be no more visits until he did the eval. Needless to say he was furious. My daugher was upset, but not as upset as I thought she would be, and not for long.
Five months went by without a word from him. He did not get the eval. The next time I heard from him he asked if we could see another counselor because he didn't want to see my counselor. I thought that was fair and I agreed. At the other counselor's office she said it was not her job to tell us what to do and he convinced me that the other counselor was to blame for turning me against him and I believed him. I agreed to let my daugher see him again.
It took one visit for him to start making demands. She went there once for a couple hours and then he wanted her for a weekend. I said no. I did not want her spending the night, and I had told him that he could not have her on Fridays because she had plans. He started talking about Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines, which he does not get because I have full discretion over his parenting time, and how he would take me to court and assumed I would keep her from him until then. I did not respond.
So here I had ignored the counselor's advice in the first place and let him meet her when I shouldn't have, then she told me to cut him off, I did and he disappeared for 5 months and never complied with what the counselor wanted him to do, then he convinced me switch counselors and turned me against the counselor who was looking out for my daughter's best interest and got to see her again then immediately insisted in getting more time with her than I had ever let him have before.
After that there was a few weeks of calm before another storm. He showed up at my daughter's school. He is not allowed to see her there. I signed a form there when the counselor advised he be cut off the first time. He went in to request documentation of me not letting him have access to her. I have every right to not let him as I also have full legal custody. The school called me and I confirmed that he was not to see her. They informed him and told me they were going to call the district attorney and find out what they legally had to give him. I thought that would be the end of it. They called a few minutes later and said they legally have to give him report cards and disciplinary actions (which there were none). I asked if he took any of that and he did not. They said he had left. Again, I assumed that was the end of it. About an hour later they called again. Someone had come into the school and said that there was a man outside in his truck acting strange talking on his phone. It was him, an hour later. So they were calling the resource officer over from the local high school to make sure he left and when school was over they were going to being my daugher to the office and walk her to my car in case he came around. He was gone by then, but they ended up banning him from all buildings in the school district because the officer ran his name and apparently did not like what came up on his background check.
That night he posted a thinly veiled threat on his facebook page. A threat that I reported to the police and to my counselor whom I had returned to right after seeing the other counselor. He was threatening people who were keeping him and his children apart. That included me and my counselor. He also talked about how he had gone to the police over being banned from the school, only according to the officer who took my report the officer he said he talked to did not exist in the police department here. This is not the first time he believed things to be true when they are complete fabrications. These are the things that really scare me.
At this point I have filed a restraining order against him and next week I have to go defend it against him. I do not know if he will be at court or not. My girl does not know about the restraining order because I do not want her to be scared. I do not think he would harm her. Me, maybe, but not her. I do not think a restraining order will do anything to stop him if he decides to be violent, but at least it will leave a paper trail.
I hope this story ends here. He went away for six years and left us alone. I think that is the best way he can be a father to her. He does more harm by being in her life than good. My girl has my ex-husband who has been a father to her almost her whole life and still is. She also has my current boyfriend who parents her. She does not need him. I gave him a chance and I no longer feel any guilt for doing everything in my power to keep him away from her.

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