Shit Gets Real

Well I should have seen this coming. First I name the blog after something that directly relates to him. Then I explain how after I decide to eliminate the crazy I meet a man who brings on the crazy. Then on my facebook page the other day I was sharing how excited I am to be going to see Fiona Apple in concert this summer and I mention how when I was pregnant with my daughter he bought me her third album the day it came out. Maybe he's like Beetlejuice; I mention him three times and he appears.
Her dad. My baby daddy. My ex. We had a short, intense, and yes crazy time together. Within a month of meeting him we moved across the country, were engaged, and I was pregnant. I was 25, in love, and oblivious to the fact that this man was a walking warning sign of an abuser. Even in his facebook message last night I can see how he is so able to manipulate people. I can still see how he was able to get me. I am proud that he can no longer do so. He thinks that he still can. I am scared to death of what he will do to my girl.
I should explain. Last night I got a facebook message from my daughter's dad. It was a nice message because he wants something from me. He wants my daughter. I have had almost no contact with him in six years. The Christmas of 2010 a package showed up on my parents' doorstep for my daughter with a note from him saying that he would like me to call him if and when I was ready. I did not respond and she did not get the snowsuit he left for her. I can provide appropriate winter gear for my daughter, thank you very much. I'm sure the child in need who received it through charity appreciated it very much though. About a month after that my daughter got an invitation to his son's birthday party. Needless to say she did not attend. Wouldn't that have been a happy family meeting? That was the last I had heard from him until last night.
In his message he tells me he has been sober for 17 months. That's great, but I happen to know, through public record that his sobriety is court ordered, which he did not mention. It's probably easier to not drink when you are on medication that makes you incredibly ill when you consume alcohol. Either way, if he is going to be around my daughter I would prefer he be sober.
He requests a meeting with me and my daughter in a public place so as to make her comfortable. Which would be ideal. Except he is really just trying to get around the court system. The reason he has not seen her is because he didn't show up at court when we were ordered to go in the first place. I never filed against him, the State did. I didn't want to go, but I showed up. He never did. Three times he didn't show up, so the court deferred his parenting time.
The way I see it is if he wants to see my daughter he needs to file the paper work, take me to court and let them decide how to handle it. I will abide by what they say. If he is a changed man and actually does take me to court, show up and follow through with what they order I will believe that he is serious about wanting to be a part of her life. Am I wrong to think he should have to show a little more effort than a facebook message to see her after six years?
I am not going to pretend that the thought of having him in our lives doesn't scare the shit out of me. I have many wonderful people in my life that help me raise my daughter. I have my ex-husband who is the only father she knows and he loves her like she is his and she loves him like he is her dad and we are all good with that situation and I do not want that to change. He has earned the right to be there for her and in my effort to do what is best for her I will preserve that relationship.
Then there is me. I am not the 25 year old lost young woman I was when I met that man. I am a self-assured, educated woman who has spent the last 6 years dedicating my life to being the best mother I can be and bettering my life so that I can be an example to my daughter and eventually my son. I am in a relationship I am happy in and for the first time in my life I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
So what is it about this man that shakes me to my core? I'll tell you one thing, whatever it is, my daughter will never see it. And he was right about one thing in his message, I have done a good job raising our daughter. I have done it with the help of many people and he has not been one of them. If he would like to join the village he will be welcome, after court.